Wednesday, July 20, 2005



Damn, it's hot in New York. But as the old saying goes, it's not so much the heat as the humidity. The power brokers and gliteratti were still out at the Hamptons, sunning themselves and drinking sex on the beach. And by drinking, I mean having. But back in Gotham the locals were sweating like Britney Spears taking an SAT. The Dartbags (Drinkin'est and Friendliest (TM) team in the NYDO) didn't mind. They were right where they wanted to be, at George Keeley for round 2 of the playoffs.

They had their hands full with the crew from White Horse Tavern, a former A squad called The Undependables. They knew coming in it would take big darts to win it.

Luckily, they packed their big darts and walked away with a 10-6 victory.

First off was alpha male of the Dartbag wolfpack, Glenn. His opponent, Willie, started off with back to back tons. Glenn made a nice comeback and put the Fear of Pike into him by nearly taking out a 167 (trip 20, trip 19... 18). But Willie took it. Good guys down 1-0 (Factoid: This match featured two players who lost only once all year in singles.)

Not only that, but Cup's better half, Jessie hit her head on some woodwork getting up from her seat. As she applied an ice pack, Tim tried to put a positive spin on it.

Tim: "Maybe it's one of those functional head injuries, like when you whack your head and all of sudden you know French."

Sadly, no. It was more like one of those head injuries when you hit your head and your head hurts.

This was not the way we wanted to come out of the chute. Shocking losses and hematomas is no way to start an evening.

Frank faced off against top gun, Joe Taras. But the furious one was on his game 8 rounds later was gone. All knotted up at 1-1.

Lou went toe to toe with All Star Tom Hummel. Lou decided on a role reversal for this game. He traded his trademark slow start for consistent 19s and his double-out sharpshooting for the yips. He even pulled a brain fart and caused confusion in the ranks by shooting at double 3 instead of double 6. But like Cris Carter ("All he does is catch touchdowns!"), all Lou does is double out to beat All Stars (e.g., Hayes #2, Hummel #6). On the next round he would hit a double 3 to give the 'Bags a 2-1 lead.

Vince (smiling): "Told you he was on double 3."

At this point Willie came over to check the score sheet, he looked at the first 3 matches and an involuntary exclamation escaped his mouth, "Uh oh." Reason? There was no way they expected to be down 2-1 after sending out their big guns early.

That brought up El Cirujano. RJ was his surgical self and in typical fashion threw consistent darts and didn't waste time doubling out. 3-1 'Bags and the momentum was building.

With the winds at our back the 'Bags sent out Cheese. (Is it just me, or does that almost not seem fair?). He played Roger Parsley who is not only is a nice fellow, but also goes great with lamb chops. Slow out of the gate, Cheese put it into gear and in an impressive yet sickening moment, busted on a 141. Now, I know you're not supposed to tell Picasso how to paint, but a good rule is when you're on an odd number... throw at an odd number! Tripping an even leaves no out. But Cheese recovered to take out a 78 and garnish the victory from Parsley. 4-1.

Cup, who was late to the scene and didn't get in any warm ups. He lost to Island Dan (Good darts, mon!) who was gone in 9 rounds.

And at the breaks the 'Bags were up 4-2.

What followed was one for the books. Glenn and Cup faced off againt Joe and Pike got 4 20s. Cup whiffed. And then everyone went nuts. An R-6 from Cup (trip 16, trip 15) and C-3 from Glenn turned in a 7 round cricket match -- that has to be a Dartbag record. They lost the second in a dog fight when Gunner Joe heated it up for the other side. 5-3.

Vince and Frank faced off against Dan and Sue. They never recovered from a slow start in game one and dropped the contest. The second game was another nailbiter. (I mean that literally. I have no nails left on my left hand). But Frank'nCheese got off on the right foot in game two. Cheese was big and a pair of bullseyes by Frank sealed it. 6-4.

Lou and RJ then played All Star Tom and Willie. Tough draw. Perhaps Seamus the Invisible Leprechaun came out from behind the board to deflect all their darts into the 1, 3, and 2 wedges. Or maybe they just sucked. In an uncanny display of near missing, they dropped the first leg and RJ, possibly broke is left hand on the woodwork. But Lou and RJ would rally. In game number 2 they overcame stress fractures and leprechaun's curses to triumph in a war of attrition (if it were a movie, they would have needed to make it into a miniseries) and earned a victory over a very tough pair. Louis sealed the super-tense match with an absolutely necessary bullseye.

Not our best showing in cricket, but hey, a 3-3 split isn't too bad. 7-5 headed down the home stretch.

Vince and RJ started off Double 501 against Deadly Dan and his partner, Sue. Cheese was on his game, doubling in on the first turn. And RJ was smacking the 20s all the way down. Things looked great. Then, they landed on 5. The plan: Hit a 1, go out on double 2. But in one of the stanger dart displays you will see, Cheese, then RJ, then Cheese again all started off their respective turns by hitting double 1. That's just weird. In the end, Cheese followed the plan going 1 double 2 for the win. They pulled off the sweep (details escape, I'm afraid) and in doing so clinched the tie.

At this point, open mic night began. How do I even begin to describe the first act? Words escape me. A chick dressed as a nurse and another chick dressed in sequins and leotards put on a skit, tapdanced and sang "Hot nuts!".

I cannot confirm this, but I believe after singing their song, they drove to the cemetery, exhumed the coffin of Al Jolson and used a Stanley Bostitch Heavy Duty Round Head Power Nail Gun to ensure that it would stay shut forever.

People, there is a reason vaudeville is dead. Let it stay dead.

And in the name of all things holy, please do not try to resurrect it at open mic nite during the playoffs.

However, this slow motion car wreck did provide comic fodder. Among the lines that followed, all worthy of LINES OF THE NIGHT

Marty: "Where is rap guy when you need him? "

Cup (with a priceless look of utter confusion): "Why a nurse? I don't get why she's a nurse."

Hope (a psychologist): "I just came from a psychiatric ward... please make her stop."

Drew, The Bartender: "I'm not working Tuesdays anymore unless i get a bong or a gong. "

The Liza wanna be and Florence Nightingale then made the mistake of taking out their frustration by making nasty comments about the dart players from the stage. Bad idea -- up there with Cop Rock and New Coke -- and not the way to win the crowd over at GK. If there were tomatoes available at the bar, they would have walked out of there looking like marinara sauce.

Up 9-5 with one win necessary to win the day, you had to like our chances with Pike and Cup. The Doubl'in blues were not a problem in this one (Cup took care of that) but Joe T and Parsley took game number 1. (Put the corks back on the champagne.) It's worth noting that Pike nearly took out a 164 (Trip19, trip19, but again the double bull eluded him). But Pike and Cup rallied and were on their game in the second leg. Once again Glenn nearly took out a crazy number, in this case 127 before missing double bull.

It was a tense one, no breathing room for anyone. These guys can shoot. Things got a bit contentious during this match. Joe T was unhappy with the scorekeeper for not tallying fast enough and blocking his view of the scoreboard. Cuppa Joe told him, in essence, to chill out. They were jawing at each other a little bit. That almost never happens with us. Joe put an end to it all by Aaron Booning a double 3 to pull out the W. And I quote everyone...


Great win, everyone. We beat a very tough team last night. Gotta tip your cap to them. They were quite gracious afterwards. Among the nice things they said...

"You guys hit every big dart."

"Your team is the nicest team we've played."

"Will one of you please be an *sshole, so we can feel better!"

To which Joe responded, "Stick around. We turn back into *ssholes at midnight."

They didn't even mind when Big Friendly pulled off a legs upset and walked away with 80 bucks.

Good stuff.

Great night.

On another note: James Doohan, beloved actor and role model for manic Scottish engineers everywhere has died.

Beam him up, God.

-Your Captain


Blogger lou said...

How I love ya, how I love ya.
My dear ol' Frankie.

garnish - parsley.

2:44 PM  
Blogger farticus said...

I'm a little disappointed there was no link to an MP3 of the #1 smash hit "Hot Nuts"

5:12 PM  
Blogger joey pep said...

cap....tremendous job. marinara sauce, al jolson....amazing. shite. frank's usually on top of that shite.

11:17 AM  

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