WRITE UP FOR WEEK #14: LAST STAND OF THE DARTBAGS

CAPTAIN'S LOG: DART DATE: 01 - 08 - 07

The Battle of the Alamo saw Davey Crocket and Jim Bowie lead a holdout of 150 men against Santa Anna's army of 6100. At the Battle of Thermopylae, King Leonidas and his Captain Dienekes led 300 Spartans against 90,000 advancing Persians. And at The Battle of Collins Bar, these two jokers...

(Photo courtesy of Hope)

were called upon to hold off all 7 members of archrival, The Taint, in the final dart match of the season.

Their tale (and season wrap up to follow shortly).

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Or not so shortly. It was such an anti-climactic finish, I let it drift a little bit. But I bumped into Tony Roman (who's Arrowman were playing in the A-1 finals), and he had a bone to pick with me. So I promised I'd close the loop.

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Yes, two lone Spartans were called upon to hold the Gates of Fire... but they couldn't hold it for very long. Frank faced off against C.D.K. (Certified Dartbag Killer), James O'Brien. They got out of the gate in a hurry, opening with a Ton each. It was a tight finish, but when Frank missed his 32 out, James wouldn't miss his. 0-1. In the second leg, Frank fell behind and his double-cork winner didn't connect. James took the second set as well. 0-2. The last leg looked like another case of the same, but a couple of big rounds put Frank in the lead. This time it was James' turn to miss his outs. A third dart in the double 5, salvaged the point for the Captain and The D'Bags were on the board. Note: This marks the 3rd time we have played C.D.K. and the first time we have ever won a singles match. (CDK: 8, 'Bags: 1). But there is no "moral victory" column, 1-2, bad guys.

Next up it was BFT against Ian Gallagher's evil twin Mark. The doppleganger was on his game and Tim was not yet up to cruising altitude. Bad Guy took the first. 1-3. BFT came on strong in the second game, peppering the 19s on his way to 221 ASPs. But the double proved more elusive and Mark took the second leg. 1-4. The third game was a nip and tuck affair. Both men played well, but once again Mark made his shot at the double count and went out from 80. Jim provided the commentary:

Jim: A smooth finish, just like a fine car!

Silence. Tim and I just looked at each other. Tim mouthed the words, "a fine car?" I shrugged. Somehow, I don't think that expression is going to catch on. But although though their grasp of metaphor was shaky, their grasp on the game was not. They were kicking our ass.

Out-manned. Out-gunned. Down big early. At this point, a lot teams would just quit.

But Dartbags don't quit. (They suck sometimes.) But they never quit. And BFT and the Captain go back a long way - to the 1970s on the hardscrabble playgrounds of Greenacres Elementary. They would not go down without a fight.

Onto cricket... and redemption.

The 'Bags faced off against Kevin and Paul and proceeded to kick it into gear. They raced out to a lead and took the first game. The second game was closer. We found ourselves locked in an early "19 versus 20" battle and we were on the bottom of the board. Tim hadn't quite gotten his stroke down. His frustration was visible. Then on his first dart he launched one right for the triple 19... and hit a nice, fat, Double Bull.

Tim: Oops.

The other team cracked up. I cracked up. Then Tim cracked up. From then on out, everytime he hit a bullseye, the other team would say, "Oops!" Good stuff.

But aside from the laughs, this was exactly the tension breaker the big fella needed. He proceeded to throw nasty darts (artist rendering here) and carry the 'Bags to victory in the second leg. In the third set both 'Bags were on their game and the good guys cruised to walkaway. It was about as big a cricket whoopin' as we'd put on anyone all year.

With our dignity restored we headed down to the last 3 legs of the season.

BFT got us on vs. Rob and Jim and the 'Bags moved ahead thanks to double in problems by the Taint. The Captain buried a D-10 to seal it. The second game was a close affair that came down to a lot of missed outs. Frank, mercifully, hit an X to take it out. The third game The Furious one started to lose his touch and The Friendly one's heroics were not enough to carry them this time. 5 game win streak was snapped -- final score 6-6. (But actually 18-6 because of 12 forfeit points. Damnit.)

Shorted AS Recap Ever:

Frank: 587

BFT: 221

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By way of Recap: This was a first for the Dartbags. It's a testament to the team that in our 6 seasons we had NEVER played short-handed before. Not once. It just couldn't be helped this time. People were either stuck at work or out of town. Sometimes far out of town (Vietnam?). It was a bit of a bummer that we couldn't get the 'Bags (or Baguettes) together for the final. The Dartbags are the Dartbags because of the Fellowship (We even started with a fellowship of 9. Just like this one.) I felt like coming back to take 5/6 points made a nice statement. We had a good time. We shot well. We picked each other up. That's what Dart Night is all about. (As well as enjoying a few frosty beverages). But it wasn't the same without the crew there.

This season held a lot of promise. We beat Kats and the Who Darted? boys in week 1. We know those guys are tough. It looked like it might be our year. But a lot of things went wrong. Injuries, moves, and some untimely flameouts. Oh well. It was a still a good time. And as always the company couldn't be beat.

I'd like to say thanks and congrats to all for another successful season. To Colin, Cup, Farty, Gemma, Gins, Hope, Jessie, Lil, Nell, Pike, Tim & Vince for supporting the team. And also to the crew at George Keeley who treat us like gold. As always, it was the best use of a Monday night that I've ever seen.

I hope we can do it again next year.

As is our tradition we shall now dine on the flesh of the world tastiest animal; the Steakasaurus. Someone call Luger and get this thing done.

God bless. That is all.

Captain Furious

APOLOGIES FOR WEEKS 12 & 13

I dropped the ball on those. Meant to do it and got sidetracked. A few belated words on week 12. We tied Tempest Imperials 12-12. And, as usual, they were good company. There were 2 things worth highlighting and one thing that wasn't. The first was Vince's impressive sweep in 01 over Ed, no small feat. It also helped us go in to cricket at 6-6 because the three other players (Glenn, Tim and Frank) all dropped 2 of 3.

The second thing worth highlighting was Pike's contribution.

It called to mind that classic scene in The Princess Bride in which Inigo Montoya (Glenn) is dueling with Westley.

Westley: Why are you laughing?

Glennigo Montoya: Because I know something joo do nah know.

Westley: What's that?

Glennigo Montoya: I am not left-HANDED!

That's right! With his right hand disabled, Pike went southpaw and still managed to take a point in singles. Then he positively carried Frank in cricket leading to two more points. That's why he is the Alpha Bag. Impressive stuff. Plus it provided all sorts of comic fodder and movie references throughout the evening.

At one point in cricket it seemed he may be losing his touch. Frank offered a suggestion that Tim overheard

Frank: Maybe you should switch from southpaw.

Tim (jumping in with his best Rocky): No tricks! No tricks!

Awesome. Pike's gritty effort and Vince's impressive sweep of Ed in singles were the highlights.

Now on to the lowlight; that which sucked.

Apparently, there is a rock and/or roll band called The Fray that has some catchy hit song. How do I know this? Because the effing stereo system was broken and repeated their crappy song over... and over... and over again. To be fair, it is possible this song didn't suck the first time. Nor even for that matter, the second time. However, after the 10th freaking time... it became the worst f#cking song ever. (With the possible exception of "We Built This City", by Starship, which, coincidentally was used in a similar fashion by my fraternity as a means of tormenting pledges.)

It gave rise to the following conversation

Frank: What band is this?

Nell: The Fray

5 minutes later.

Frank: What band is this?

Nell: The Fray

5 minutes later

Frank: What band is this

Nell (long pause): It's still the Fray.

Frank: Wait a minute... is THIS THE SAME F#CKING SONG???

Yes. It WAS the same f#cking song... for 40 f#cking minutes.

I found a lyric site and cut and pasted the last 3 verses of the song.

This is what we were subjected to for the better part of an hour.

And everyone knows I'm in Over my head Over my head With eight seconds left in overtime She's on your mind She's on your mind Everyone knows She's on your mind Everyone knows I'm in over my head I'm in over my head I'm in over... Everyone knows I'm in Over my head Over my head With eight seconds left in overtime She's on your mind She's on your mind.

I don't give a rat's ass what Kasey Kasem or 50 million teenagers with their super-accessorized I-pods say... this song SUCKS. Okay? It SUCKS. And I will fight any man who says otherwise. I'm sure it's playing on a freaking loop, on the slow elevator ride to Hell as we speak. Hell, Saddam Hussein is probably still humming it to himself during his daily parcheesi game with Jeffrey Dahmer, Pol Pot and Joseph Stalin at "Cafe Lake of Fire".

Saddam: I'm in ovare my head. I'm in ovare my head...

Dahmer: What band is that?

Saddam: Eeet's "The Fray".

Stalin: Da! They really suck

Saddam: Tell me about it, comrade.

Pol Pot: When OJ get here? We need fifth.

The Dartbags now have 3 Mortal Enemies: Carly Simon, Barry Williams (long story. don't ask), and The F#cking Fray.

Welcome to the club!

(Whiny punks.)

As for week 13... it was the worst week in the illustrious history of the Dartbags. We just sucked (not "Fray-sucked", just normal sucked). Omer and Flight Risk shot well and kicked our ass. Do I sound bitter?

Yeah. I thought so.

Kudos to Vince and Glenn.

That is all.

-Captain Furious